You Too Loose Off The Goose

I wrote a blog about a week ago about people who smell bad needing to pay extra to ride in your whip. Well, today, I am inspired again by the same party.

I went to this party knowing I was going to get wasted. When I say "wasted", I mean totally messed the hell up. Once I got there, I realized that I only knew one person enough to trust them with my drunken self. And with that, I decided if I was going to get drunk, it was going to be a light drunk induced by beer. The same can't be said for most of the people there.

Most of the party goers were in their early to mid twenties. Meaning, they were old enough to know their limits. Needless to say, they didn't. Taking Grey Goose straight to the head like its water isn't going to get you in anything, but trouble. One dude thought was the flyest person there, so he was egging his crew to go as hard as he was. All of those guys went extremely hard. Taking shots of Patron, while drinking Goose straight out of the bottle. He was the man for an hour and a half. He had women trying to get at him and the ones was going for were very accepting of his advances. That is, until the liquor started to catch up with him.

All of the sudden, dude urgently flings open the front door and steps one foot out of the apartment and throws up all over himself and the lawn. So instantly, his sexy swag factor went from 100 to negative 3000. Those girls that were flies on his shit a few minutes ago, suddenly had no interest in him. His only sober friend was outside making sure he was good. But nobody else cared, or maybe they were too drunk to help him. So me with my sexy and intelligent self, started macking on the shorties dude had lost the interest of. I came away with a number or two, but I'm not trying to brag.

The moral of this story is if you're going to go hard with the liquor, please know your limits. You might be the man when you walk in the party, but if you don't marathon drink, you could become the laughing stock. When I say you need to marathon drink, I mean that drinking is a marathon and not a sprint. Please act accordingly. If you don't, I will be there half drunk and ready to take your shortie!

What Do You Think?

These are questions I have concerning music. If you want to respond to any of them, please do so in the comments section.

1. Being that it's been more than ten years, do you really care if Dr. Dre ever drops his Detox album?

2. After seeing Ciara's video for 'Ride', how many chicks are going to be in the gym getting that dance routine down?

3. How come Lauryn Hill isn't in anyone's Top Five MCs?

4. Speaking of which, when she going to drop another classic like 'The Miseducation'?

5. Isn't it sad Erykah Badu was arrested for getting naked in her 'Window Seat' video when it was inspired by the Matt and Kim video for 'Lesson Learned' and you've never heard of them?

6. With T.I., Kanye, Jeezy, and Drake all dropping albums this summer, who do you think is going to own it?

7. Have you done yourself the favor and downloaded mixtapes by Emilio Rojas and Skyzoo yet?

8. Even though his music is cool, aren't you kind of confused as to what style B.o.B is going for?

9. Isn't it funny how 50 Cent destroyed Ja Rule's rap career and now his is on its last legs?

10.Which is faker - Nicki Minaj's bisexuality or her body parts?

Degrassi Star, I'm Over You

If you are a Drake fan, this blog might not be your favorite. - Management

I like Drake. He can rap his ass off. If you remember, I was a staunch supporter of his when his Grammy performance was censored to the hilt. With that being said, I'm kind of over Drake. I mean, seriously, he has a great deal of mixtapes that are better than a lot of the rap albums of recent memory. I just feel too much is being put on his shoulders and he's becoming part of the hype machine.

Need an example of his hype? His song, 'Over' is played on the radio every thirty seconds and its not that good of a song. Don't get me wrong, the verses are good. But he loses points for the "About to set this bitch off/ Jada Pinkett" line. Its amateur at best. He loses mostly because of the hook. He sounds like the retarded muppet on Crank Yankers. He has a good singing voice, just check out the background vocals on Alicia Keys' 'Unthinkable'.

Lastly, why is everyone quoting, "What am I doing? Oh yeah, that's right. I'm doing me."? He is not the first to say that. He isn't saying anything profound. That's an average line just as the "Jada Pinkett" one is. But everyone seems to think he is the first to say it. Ladies and gentlemen, I have one thing to say, hop off the man's dick. You're riding a tad too hard.

Thank You For The Comeback, Now Go Home

It seems as though most celebrities never get the hint of when its time to go and stay gone. Most of them think they're Michael Jordan. He left basketball, had a very sucky baseball career, and when that was done, he came back to basketball with without a problem. Well, even Michael Jordan didn't know when to call it quits. Need I discuss his career in Washington? Didn't think so. In my opinion, three singers and one rapper need to be told to hang it up for good. I've elected myself and this blog for the job. Let us begin.

Whitney Houston
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Ten years ago, she was the 'it' pop diva. The voice of angel with the gospel training to go with it. Seven consecutive number one singles. She had it all. Then that crack came into her life. Now, I could blame all of this on Bobby Brown. But he got his divorce. He didn't make her put out that craptastic album. "Million Dollar Bill" was the lone hit on it and that souinded like cheesy '70s disco. Sorry Whitney, enjoy that royalty money and chill. And if you need to make music. Make a mixtape called, "Crack Is Wack, But I Still Smoke That Shit". That will sell some units.

Mariah Carey
I love Mariah Carey. Her old stuff. She was making hit after hit all thoughout the '90sm made the shiteous movie that shall remain nameless, then had the infamous breakdown. Many wrote her off until she came roaring back with "The Emancipation". Nobody can deny how hot that joint was. Even the hardest thugs had a song they bumped off of that. Yet that was her peak. She slowly began falling off again. And her voice is shot to hell. Compare these two songs, "Dreamlover" and "My Love". You can definitely tell the difference. Plus, she married Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon! Really!?!? That's all that needs to be said about her.

Janet Jackson
This hirts me to the core to write this. I've loved Janet since I was a young lad. She never had a real singing voice, but that didn't matter. She could perform her ass off. She was the first concert I went to when I was eleven. I never forgot that. Fast foward some years, and shorty's music is all over the place. Damita Jo was a semi success. 20 Y.O. was a brick. Discipline was an absolute brick. No that was a cinder block. The Rock Wit Chu Tour was half assed. I just don't know what to say. Stick to acting, Janet, because if Jermaine Dupri and Neyo can't write you hits, who can?

Shyne
I know this is kind of messed up after all the things he's been through. But have you heard his new music? Yikes! He went from sounding like Biggie and being remotely cool to sounding horrendous over a Drake beat. Umm, Drake is cool and everything, but there should never come a day when the man who made 'Bad Boys' can't out rap Drake. Sorry, Drake fans, but fact is fact. Shyne, while you've deported to Belize, pick up a pen and practice. That's all you really need to do, resharpen your tool.

He's The Boss

Rick Ross is one of my favorite rappers. He has a superb ability at picking some of the illest beats ever put on wax. His rhymes are intellectual, hysterical, serious, and raw. All of this is true, but I happen to like Officer Ricky for one partially retarded reason. Well, it's not retarded to me, but it might be to you. I like Mr. Ross because he is comfortable taking his shirt off, despite being well over three hundred pounds.

As many of you know, I've recently gotten in the gym, trying to do some work on my gut. I haven't taken my shirt off since I was nine years old because I never liked what I saw in the mirror. Yesterday was a milestone for me. I took my shirt off in the gym swimming pool. And yes, there were people there! I'm feeling kind of crazy about it because I'm not used to having enough confidence to do that. That why I dig Ross. I mean he wasn't the first big guy to take his shirt off. We all remember and would like to forget when Fat Joe did that on MTV. But I identify more with Rick Ross. Some say we look alike. I don't see it though. I say we just fit the same description. Big and dark skinned with low cuts and beards.

Another reason I know he is comfortable with himself is because he has tatts all over his stomach. Who gets tattoos if they don't want to show them off. Stretch marks and all, he got the tatts. Then, he showed them on the XXL cover. So being that I've just hit that milestone in my life, I think I'm going to follow his lead and take some photos of me with no shirt on. They are going to be full body shots too. Not just yet though, I'm not where I want to be. One step at a time. One step at a time. Bawse!

People That Smell Should Pay

They say cleanliness is next to godliness. I thought everyone thought so too. But when I went to a party, I found out this wasn't the case.

Before I continue, I preface by saying all of the people I met were cool people. I could chill and have cool conversations with them all day, but the fact if the matter is some of them smelled like they'd been rolling around in pig shit and used chicken grease. I mean they were musty as hell and had matted hair with corn flakes all in there. It really baffled me. How are you at a party trying to pick up women looking and smelling like that? So I've come up with a solution to the dirty asshole problem.

If you smell and ask for a ride from a friend, you should have to pay the driver a fee. Sort of like paying for a taxi. And for you cheap, dirty assholes, you have to give up additional money for gas. I think this would make people put deodorant on before they get in the car, or all dirty assholes will be walking to where they need to be. Because the only time you should be funky is if you were doing some work. Working out, yard work, car work, you know, things like that. And you should bathe directly after engaging in those activities. And if you're not going to adhere to the rules set before you, walk!!!!

The Worst Rap Line In History

I've been an avid hip hop fan since I was a kid. I always thought rappers were special. They could manipulate words and make sense while rhyming. And they weren't just simple rhymes, either. But then I grew up and Lil Flip came out. And then my world went upside down.

This song came out when I was in high school. I've never forgotten this one line. "I'll treat you like milk, I'll do nothing but spoil you."

What the fuck is that?! There is a way to tell a woman how you'll treat them without comparing them to milk. Secondly, don't compare them to spoiled milk. Not only is that disgusting, you're calling a chick spoiled. You tell me what girl you know would be cool for being called that. Don't worry, I'll wait...... Didn't think so. You can't say something else? Anything else? All I can say is that I was ready to disregard all music coming out of Houston. Matter of fact, I don't even bump too much rap that's not from New York because I've generalized the whole southern region.

Lil Flip is part of the reason I became a rap snob. Now I only mess with a select few of rappers from the south. I'm not going to name them here because that's another post in itself. Let's just say Soulja Boy wouldn't make the cut if he was the last rapper from the south. I mean that with every bone in my body. But back to Lil Flip. That dude is horrendous. I just can't. I really just can't.

I am so over this line, I can't even finish this post about it.

*Drops pen and storms out shaking head with hands raised*

I Got It From The Gym

For those that don't know me personally, I'm a fairly stocky guy. I have been most of my life. Stocky to the point strangers will ask me if I played football just because I look like I should have. Well, I didn't play football, I am naturally gifted with big bones and a very healthy appetite. Most people were amazed at the amount of confidence I had despite my size. Trust me when I say, faking it until you make it actually works.

There were times, up until recently, where I would lie about liking clothes because I knew they wouldn't look good on me. Sad but true. For a long time I had no confidence. I was good at lying about it though. But now things have changed and I'm feeling really good about myself. Due mainly to the fact I've started going to the gym. That place is magical for me. I hate working out, but I love going to the gym. Seeing other people on their journey of weight loss and gain gives me motivation and confidence to attain my own goals.

This might sound weird, but I didn't really try to pursue writing until going there. I didn't because I was always concerned about rejection. And being in the gym helped me realized that we are all just people. Flesh and blood. Some with souls and others without, but that's another post. Anyway, I've learned cannot be afraid of the word, 'no' because we all struggle somewhere. So no matter the source of your confidence, take it and run with it.

How Pathetic Am I?

There are some things I do that I'm not proud of. I talk about them here because this blog is cathartic as much as any other hobby. Well, the thing I'm not proud of that I'm talking about is... I still watch The Real World and The Challenges faithfully.

Yes, yes, I know that went out of style with Fubu jerseys, but I can't help it. I enjoy seeing white people get drunk and beat the shit out of each other. I say white people because the only black people on there are the ones that only date white people. And you know how that goes. But I digress..

I still watch them because these shows make me feel better about myself. I mean I say and do some bugged out things, but these reality tv "stars" have me beat. Watching them is like watching 'Scared Straight' minus the jail setting. After, watching these shows, I really don't drink as much. And when I do, I'm still sober enough to remember what everyone I was with had on. These kids do worse than that on a nightly basis and they get to watch all the gory details on tv once they've forgotten about them. I know their parents are proud.

But what's more pathetic them acting stupid on tv or me for watching stupid people? I say me, but its an addiction. A guilty pleasure that isn't serious enough for me to seek help. So screw you if you don't like my addiction and my unwillingness to get help. So srew an intervention, I'm going to wrap this post up so I can go watch now! BOOM!

Four Women At Once, No Thank You!

One of my favorite television shows premiered its second season recently. United States Of Tara is an excellent show. It centers around a woman named Tara, who has Multiple Personality Disorder. She has four other personalities. T is a fifteen year old girl who is just that, a rebellious teenager. Alice is a housewife from the '60s era and she is hell bent on everyone having manners. Buck is a truck driver. He loves women and has game for days. Tara, when she's herself, is a mother of two with a husband. They all love her unconditionally. Which leads to the topic for today. Would you be able to love a person with that much baggage? I say baggage for a lack of a better word. But still, would you be able to love someone with so many different people living inside of them?

Personally, I don't know if I could. Its hard enough looking for a person who has all of the qualities I'm looking for as it is. So to add alters and such would be a little more than I could bare. Plus, dating a woman with alters would make the possibility of cheating to great and the lines would be indefinitely blurred. I would wonder if I slept with one of her alters, is that cheating? It is the same body and all. Which one would I be bringing home to meet my family? See, too much room for error. In all honesty, I don't think I'm man enough love four different women all trapped in one body. That's like being with a chick always on her period. And that's not going down.

I definitely couldn't do it. Would you be able to? While you ponder a response, watch Untied States Of Tara on Monday nights at 10:30 on Showtime.

Patience Is A Virtue

As many of you know, my goal in life is to be a writer. Its the reason I keep this blog, even though most of the people that read this know me on a first name basis. That's not the point. I write because I crave hearing a person's visceral reaction to something I've said. Be it in agreement or not, I crave that. And to get myself heard, I send in pieces tp websites in hopes I'll get published. Well, yesterday I got published! Yes, you read correctly. I got published.

I must say, it couldn't have come at a better time. I was starting to become a little disheartened with all the writing and not seeing anything come of it. Hell, to be perfectly honest, I even thought of putting down my pen. But then, theblackboxoffice.com thought my work was good enough to post on their site. (Check it out. Its the 'Love Jones' piece.) As I read the comments, I was so happy. Not all of them agreed with what I said, but I was happy that they had a freakin reaction.

So this going to sound cliche as hell, but if you have a dream, keep grinding on it until you produce babies. Because its the best feeling in the world to have your dreams realized and validated by people in the certain industry. They say patience is a virtue and I've never been a virtuous person, but I think I might have to start.

Spelling Errors

The people on the planet can be put into two groups. People that can spell and those who can't. Being that we have entered the computer/information age, a third group has been created. Those that know how to spell and do it incorrectly because they want to look cool. These people irk the hell out of me.

I'm sorry Is there a reason you forget your education when you get in front of a computer? I mean, don't get. Me wrong, I live for shorthand notes and such. But can't deal with incorrect grammar. For example, when I get a text that says, ' do you wanna cum?' I instantly think they want to do some freaky things to me that would make me cum. Pardon the vulgarity. But usually they don't mean it in a freaky sexual way. They're just too lazy to type out 'come'. We've got to do better, people!

What about when some people use numbers as letters and shit like that. I hated that mess when I had to take algebra in high school. So why do I want to try to decipher that after being out of high school for five years? The only time numbers and letters should be on the same page is if you're solving for 'x'. And like I said, I hate algebra.

In case you haven't gotten the hint, spelling all awkward is retarded. No diss to special needs people. But for those who aren't special needs, get your shit together. Or better yet, take an english class. And stop typing like an asshole!

A Lesson

This one is going to be short.

Over the weekend, I had to wear the skinny jeans. it wasn't as bad as I thought. I got more shit from guys about me looking "fruity" than anybody. The women I came across told me I had a nice shape and a nice butt. You know, things of that nature. Actually, it gave me confidence to wear clothes that are a bit more fitted because the women like the way I look in them. And after all, aren't we just trying to get the attention of the opposite sex with our fashion? If so, I might have to buy a pair of slim fitted jeans. This one's for you ladies!!!

Window Seat is Brilliant, Not Perverted

Today was supposed to see me post a review on Erykah Badu's new album. I wanted to post on how I thought it was a great cd, but not her best. Yet there is no attention being placed on her music because people are caught up in her ass baring video for 'Window Seat'. There have been complaints and such about it, yet the people complaining haven't seen the clip for what it is: a piece of art. So I'm going to break the video down for you to understand and appreciate the message. We are going to run through the JFK analogy, the stripping, and the meaning of "group think".

Before we start, the video opens with the voice of a radio announcer talking about JFK coming to Dallas, Texas and describing the excitement of Texans on the day JFK was killed. We, then, see Erykah pull up and park a car. It is assumed to be the same make and model of the one Kennedy was riding in. She steps out and walks down the street stripping off her clothes. Passersby stare. By the time we get to the end of the clip, she's fully nude with the word "evolving" written on her back. We hear a gunshot and she falls to the ground and the phrase "group think" bleeds out of her mind.

The JFK analogy is there because Erykah Badu is touching on the issue of a rebirth. During the 1960's, America was rife with civil and political unrest. Kennedy was the one trying to get more Americans to open their minds when it came to certain things, the ending of segregation being one of them. Once Americans felt there was some progress, he was gunned down. She was speaking to us now about conformity and accepting things at face value, instead of asking questions.

When she gets out of the car, she has on shades and about three layers of clothing. The shades symbolize us walking around oblivious to the problems around us that have nothing to do with us. Her shedding her clothes piece by piece signifies her learning, growing, and coming out of her ignorance with each step she takes. That's why when she's down to her bra and panties, you see "evolving" on her back because she's letting the people and things left behind that she had to do it in order to grow.

Her being shot reverts back to the JFK analogy. But the phrase "group think" bleeding from her head means an to conformity and thinking and living like everyone else. She's doing what feels right to her and not caring about the thoughts of her peers. Plus, the first to being reborn is to die. She died in the video, now she can be reborn and live her life the way she wants to lead it.

That in itself is brilliant.